I Ain't Gonna Lie (aka: The Storm Before The Calm)

I'm going to be honest because - let's face it - what is the point of doing a blog about Gastric Sleeve Surgery if you're not going to be honest about what you're going through.

So, let's go back to where I last left you - just as I was starting my two week, pre-surgery, soft protein diet.

Although I had a rough start sipping 64-80 ounces of water a day, I was easily within range by Day 3 and maintained that throughout the two week period.

Not drinking water 30 minutes before to 30 minutes after a meal was truly agonizing - but I managed to do that, too.

I failed at eating slowly, easily finishing my food within 5 to 10 minutes, which is a bad thing as it's a major part of being able to eat post surgery.  I'm really going to have to focus my energy on slowing down and thoroughly chewing every single bite of food, and giving my stomach time to alert me that I am full, or else, I could gag, throw up or easily overeat (which I hear is all quite uncomfortable and/or painful).

After my first failed attempt at trying pureed, protein baby food, I never had the nerve to try it again.  However, I found that I was perfectly content eating lean deli meats like honey turkey, and I pretty much lived off of the protein salads (chicken, turkey, ham, egg) from Publix.  It wasn't until Day 13 that I began to loathe the thought of having to eat another one.  Sugar free jello, almonds and low fat, sugar free pudding were all wonderful little treats.

Altogether, I lost 12 lbs over the first two weeks.

However, approaching the end of my soft protein diet, I began to experience anxiety attacks.  On the surface, I feel great.  I'm in control, optimistic, eager, excited, hopeful...  On the surface, I'm Mary Freaking Poppins.  But, what lurks beneath is apparently a little bit of nerves and anxiety.  It wasn't until after these episodes began that I realized how overwhelming it all is.  All the pre-surgery and post-surgery restrictions.

Add in to that some guy drama (yet another wolf in sheep's clothing.  *sigh*) and my first real Mother's Day without my mom and, yeah.  I can see where the anxiety was coming from.

I struggled with it until last night, when I gave in and had pizza and brownies.

On the plus side, it was the only thing I ate for the entire day, so I still came in under calories.  But, it wasn't a part of my diet, and for that, I failed.  I could beat myself up, but I've learned that you just have to take successes and failures as they come.  As Baz Luhrman said: "Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either.  Your choices are half chance.  So are everybody else's."

So, today, I started over.

Today begins the next stage of my pre-surgery diet; this stage required by my surgeon and dietitian.  For the next 7 days, I will be on a strict low-cal, no sugar, no caffeine, non-carbonated fluid diet.

Doesn't leave much, does it?

Luckily, this includes protein shakes, broth, some soups, jello, popsicles and pudding.

Then, on the day before surgery, I am left with only clear fluids.  Decaffeinated tea and coffee are both options, but I am not much of a fan of either. So, for me, this will be zero-calorie energy drinks, broth, jello and popsicles for one day.

And then, as if it wasn't hard enough, nothing but air can pass my lips after midnight the day of my surgery.  I can only hope and pray that I am the first surgery of the day, as I tend to get really bad dry mouth, and that's just gonna suck.

This is it, folks.  I know so many other people have been through this before me, and I know this is a routine procedure, but I find myself terrified.

Can you be terrified without being afraid?

I really don't feel scared.  I have no fear of dying on the table or being butchered or anything like that.  I'm fully confident in my surgeon and his team.

So no, there really is nothing for me to fear.

Yet, I feel terrified none the less.  Terrified of the unknown.  Terrified of leaving behind the only kind of life I've ever lived.  Terrified of changing; for the better or the worse.  Terrified that, amongst these changes, I will somehow lose track of who I am.  Terrified of failing.

Another truth?

I want my mommy.

*sigh*

Please be kind.